Michael Bay diarrhea
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
