No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
