please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
