is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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