Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
