he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
