Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
