First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
