One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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