chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
