I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
