Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
mondays should just be called national damage control day
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
