Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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