um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
