I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
foreskin is a definite game changer
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I need a beard to bite.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
