I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
