Are we in a gay sports bar?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize