If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
