I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
