It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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