we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All the doctor said was why
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
