I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
