Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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