I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
