What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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