and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
