she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
