Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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