Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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