I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
