just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
