I'm so fucking centered right now
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
