When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
