No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
