I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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