don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
