maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
