gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize