You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
