onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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