I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
