My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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