I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
