dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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