life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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