I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
