just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
