i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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