listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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