Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
