Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
