We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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