you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
They have beer where we have blood.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
