Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
