he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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