Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
