umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
