I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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