I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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